I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
