Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
