think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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