I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Randomize
