Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
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