walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
