upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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