Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
