She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
