i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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