You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
