Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
