the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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