Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
