Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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