I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Randomize