i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm always down for nudity.
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