Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
