Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
