I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
