she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
