I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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