There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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