Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
