mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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