I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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