it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
