Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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