I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
