i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
my poor anus
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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