I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My balls are so social today.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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