yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
