Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
