I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
