Cold hands, warm shart.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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