Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
