I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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