So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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