I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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