eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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