when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
