Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
