my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
