On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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