My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
