When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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