No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
