Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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