What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
