Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
