Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
