Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
