There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
