Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(815): View more from Illinois

I gave up sex with dolphins for you.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?

(1-302): View more from Delaware

That's okay, it's all protein anyway.

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(641): View more from Iowa

I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.

(319): View more from Iowa

Good thing spelling doesn't count.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun

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(207): View more from Maine

Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.

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(310): View more from California

Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad

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(503): View more from Oregon

I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.

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